A day withought laughter is a day wasted.

25th August 2009

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grrr

I’m PMSing and had an exhausting day I am annoyed with everything and my boobs hurt. I decide to go to bed early, I don’t turn on my light bc I intend to go straight to bed. I feel mush beneath my foot.

note to self- Do not feed Rudy stove top popcorn!!! Microwavable kind-unaffected. Kind made with olive oil- diarrhea ON MY FLOOR!!!!!

I don’t feed Rudy any human food (unless I am out of dog food and I’ll put it in his bowl) but you know what I mean I don’t hand him food bc I hate dogs that beg. Growing up though our dogs were allowed to have popcorn only- a special treat if you will. We never had the homemade ish back in the day. Rudy’s popcorn days are over.

24th August 2009

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Me a big girl one day

As you can guess from the previous twat waffle post, I am not the most mature gal you’ll ever meet. I sometimes have the sense of humor of a thirteen-year-old boy. I love sports, drinking beer and talking about poop. I always hated reading my whole life and when forced to in school I would always find a way to not read anything and still manage to do better than everyone on all the exams. It’s a gift I guess. I always wondered “Damn what would my grades look like if I actually did read all this shit?, I’d be as smart as my sister probably” Meaghan was always the smart one. I think she did better on her SAT’s when she was in 7th grade or some shit than I did in high school. We hated each other in high school. She was a dork in my eyes but had a sense of humor so she wasn’t tragic by any means and had great friends. I always had a boyfriend and played sports and was a social butterfly. Meaghan reminded me daily that I was stupid and a slut, even though I got all A’s and B’s and dated the same guy for 4 years.

 She always would have a bitch attack every morning about leaving on time for school-even when I was ready before her, which was most of the time. I can still remember the overwhelming anxiety that would enter my body every morning “Ugh, gotta get in the car before her so she can’t yell” When I would it was like she was disappointed that she couldn’t yell at me so she would find something to bitch about to get her fix. Some days we would go a half an hour early to school for a prayer group- I hated this but because she was my only ride I had no choice. So this particular day I’ll admit I was 1 min behind Meaghan who was for some reason 5 min early- she must really have wanted Jesus that day or more likely her crush was there and she may be able to hold his hand during a song of worship. I run and jump in the car because she’s freaking out. We hadn’t even gotten out of our neighborhood when I realized I had forgot my shoes. Good thing we had left early. “Hey umm, I forgot my shoes take me back real quick” “What the fuck Lauren, No!” She wasn’t kidding, we were 30sec from our house and she didn’t turn back. We lived 6min from school and were going there early for some stupid church shit that wasn’t required yet this was the most ridiculous thing I could ever ask of her. I wandered around barefoot for an hour before my dad could bring me my shoes. Yes my dad had to leave work to go home and get my hoes and bring them to me. No big deal sis, hope your confessing your sins at least while singing those god awful church songs. If it hadn’t been freshman year when I knew almost no one because I came from catholic school I would probably had laughed it off and went barefoot all day to be honest. Instead I hid out in the office where the ladies could not believe what my sister had done. I remember the looks on their faces when they asked me, “Well can’t she just take you back real quick?”  I informed them, “She’s not that type of sister”.

It wasn’t until we were both in college that we realized we were the same person. We were both the quick witted, inappropriate, life of the party type that shocked everyone on the regular. Still not friends by any means, we liked hanging out with each other for at least the first day or two of a vacation, then she’d start being a bitch. When our parents divorced is when we finally became friends. We wouldn’t talk much about it but just knowing you had someone there who was the only one who knew what you were going through was good enough for us.

I always felt she had everything together, she graduated from Notre Dame in four years and moved to NYC and planned on grad school. I was on the 4 1/2 year plan at USF(my parents bribed me to stay in state with a new car, I didn’t even attempt out of state-I was sold) I was in a major I didn’t know anything about and that would take me no where in life-Theater design. I was a good designer but not the best, I was smart, not the smartest, a good actor, but not good enough. I know now that she had nothing together and was freaking out, she could have fooled me though because in my eyes she would always be the successful one.

I was never afraid to try new things or up and leave to new places, some of this is because I was an army brat and moved around a lot but some of it was because of her. When I randomly decided to apply for an internship in NY last summer, I did it mainly to escape and had absolutlely no confidence that I would get it. But Meaghan assured me that they would love me because I had a personality, personalities weren’t hard to come by in the theater world but a personality that didn’t make you want to gouge your eyes out was. Her confidence that I would get it gave me confidence. I got the internship. It was only because of the endless calls and emails on how to write a cover letter and how to make my resume stand out that got me through it. We had come a long way since high school.

When I moved to NY I had no friends, I had her friends. I loved her friends but sometimes I felt they only hung out with me because I was Meg’s sister. Either way they had air condition so like me or not, I was coming over. It was during that summer that I realized Meaghan’s obsession with blogging. I mean, I’d notice it when she would come home to visit and not talk to the family bc she was “working” but when I lived in the same city I saw how serious it had gotten. We would get together with her friends and cook dinner a couple times a week and she would always leave early for “work”. When she would leave we would all be like ” Ah yes, woooorrrk” we all knew she was blogging. She would get so mad at us and defensive when we’d make fun of her. But it was like a drug, she never wanted to go out and be social, and she was always coming up with excuses for having to leave early. Real friends were secondary to blog friends.

We all have blogs now. We are assholes. Clearly I am not obsessed, I post maybe once a week and nothing inspiring but Will and Lindsay- ya’ll are getting there. Hallie and Chris- Ya’ll are okay I don’t see any real issues to worry about. Although there was no excuse for her to be such a hermit because of her writing, you have to hand it to her because she now has a job with tumblr and wouldn’t if she hadn’t put her whole heart into writing everyday. So I guess you were being honest Meaghan, you were “working”.

I am now In Chicago with the same struggles she went through in NY. Living pay check to pay check because our passion is in the arts which means no money and lots of stress. The difference is that although it’s really hard for me right now I have the confidence that I will be okay soon and everything will work out. I only know this because she made it happen for herself so why can’t I.

I even started reading when I moved here. I started with Chelsea Handler’s, My Horizontal Life- let’s be real if I can’t laugh at what I’m reading, I won’t read it. Then I realized I didn’t want to be one of those pathetic girls that only read books like that so once again I relied on my sister. I called and asked her what book I should buy and I stressed that it had to be funny. She recommended David Sedaris. I decided on Me Talk Pretty One Day, it was fabulous. I got it for a plane ride where I ended up sleeping most of the time so didn’t get through much. If I am at home I won’t read because why read when there’s TV am-I-right? So the book lived in my purse and I read it on the el or at work at the front desk at Bally total shitness. There were times that people would be standing at the front desk and I had no idea they were there because I was so into the book. I wondered why these people didn’t say anything, “I respond to words people, ya don’t haveta just stare at me angerly until I realize you’re there”.What I enjoyed almost as much as the book was all the people I met because of the book. SO many people had read it and would talk to me about it, I felt part of a special club, I was fooling everyone into thinking I was a reader. I like this feeling, I kind of want to carry the book around even though I finished it just so I can feel respectable. As soon as I can afford it I will buy more of his books. Aren’t you proud mom, you don’t even have to bribe me with stuffed animals this time!

 So if you haven’t read it already, do so. There is even a chapter on poop for those of you like me out there. So thanks for the book advice sis, and for the roller coaster of a life that only you understand.

20th August 2009

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Commitment Phobe

So I have become aware of a pattern I have started over the past year, The only guys that interest me are those that live around 1000miles away give or take. It started last August when I left NYC.

There was Justin, my landlord. Because I was in NY for the summer I decided to go balls to the wall and hold nothing back, this included my first lesbian experience…I’ll write about that another day, any who hooking up with my landlord seemed exciting enough. I had been in 2 relationships prior that lasted a combined time of 6.5yrs so I felt like a big girl casually dating, excited in the fact I would be leaving soon and could cut it off completely. Buuut I started liking him go figure. When i got back to FL he and I continued to talk and keep in touch bc I thought I was moving back to NY at the time. Justin was 8years older than me, successful, fun, and had a laugh to die for. He was funny and the perfect amount of dorky in n endearing way. 

Then there was Danny. When I decided I had to check out Chicago b4 I made the decision to move to NY we began emailing- He had gone to USF one year so I kind of knew him(this is all in a post when I first started blogging) we then started texting and becoming aware we were pretty much perfect for each other. When I went to visit Chicago we hit it off in a way I can’t explain. We then talked everyday for sometimes hours getting to know each other. I had just graduated and was freaking out so having him to talk to was the instant highlight of my day and it brought calmness to my life. I was so bored bc all of my friends were still in school and I was stuck in Tampa until my lease was up. Danny even sent me a list once of things that I should do to keep myself busy. There was 20 or so things on the list ranging from things he knew I wanted to do and just didn’t to random things like “build a fort in your apartment like when you were 7” I did this by the way and the fort stayed up for quite some time. He was so interesting to me and so unique. Once I decided on Chicago the calls sort of stopped, maybe loss of interest, maybe the fact that I was moving here was too real? I still don’t know… Of course I was upset but I didn’t have much time left in FL and decided to move on and have fun.

Then I met Ryan. Ryan came out of no where but was perfect at the time. He was fun, inappropriate, and a blunt, disrespectful Jersey boy. Everything that would keep me from falling for him. I had never had a fling before and I was ready, it was perfect timing bc I was leaving in 2 months. I was not used to being with a guy that didn’t respect me and really liked me for all the right reasons so I had to constantly remind myself “this is what you want right now”. He was amazing in bed so who cares right? Well after a month or so we couldn’t help but start liking each other but we still knew nothing beyond the surface about each other. We just never asked. Towards the end I saw his sweet side  and I realized that he now respected me and started to really like me too. Everyone aways told me I was the girl version of him. We had a blast picking on each other and saying inappropriate things and cracking each other up. It was easy with him and we got along great. When I moved to Chicago I was surprised at how much I missed him, I don’t think I’ll meet anyone who could hold nothing back like him, he would say exactly what was on his mind and you better deal with it or get the fuck out- i love that bc there is no guessing with him. We talk everyday and I even went to go visit him a few weeks ago. We have someone to talk to and to open up to even though we know we can’t be together. It’s just nice to have someone that knows you and is there to talk to you while not feeling tied down to a relationship.

Now to top it off I met a guy here in Chicago. I had a huge “Ballys crush” on him- this is what the girls at Ballys call the one or 2 guys we admire in the gym, there are slim pickings bc everyone for the most part is gay. Many times we have the same Bally crush and then we fight to the death. My guy was beautiful and I’d say hi every once and a while and one night we exchanged numbers and hung out. We had a great time, it wasn’t awkward or anything but I found out he was moving to Atlanta in a month. Commmee ooonnnn I thought. What the fuck! I was being really picky and when I picked one it turns out hes leaving. We talked a little bit but never hung out again until his last night, which I didn’t know was his last night when I saw him out. We hung out all night and I realized that this guy is not only hot but jesus Christ hes a good guy and I like him. Balls. He moved the next day. We have been texting and apparently he will be back in Chicago in like 6months after his job training is over.

This is when I realized my problem. Something about the distance makes you able to imagine how great these guys are and you can somewhat make them out to be something they aren’t. They aren’t around to disappoint and yet are able to fill the void of being lonely. I need to find someone that lives here but at the same time the last thing I want is a boyfriend. The thought of it makes me cringe-Ii realize this isn’t normal but my last relationship was awful. So now I like the initial excitement of someone new and then I like to get them to like me and then once I succeed in this I’m over it. I can like the boys that aren’t round bc its not real enough to freak out about :)

When I moved here Danny and I didn’t hit it off at all, proably bc I made him someone he wasn’t, or he wasn’t being himself, or his loss of intrest made him act differently towards me. Who knows but he’s leaving for the navy in a month and a half. Uh Oh maybe i’ll fall for him again….j/k

12th August 2009

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little creepers

So I babysat on Saturday for 2 little girls ages 1.5 and 4.5. As the 4yr old and I got the baby ready for bed I was exposed to some odd behavior. The older girl kept sneaking in an occasional lick to the toes of the younger girl. Mina was annoyed and told her sister to cut that shit out but she just kept on doing it. She told me in the midst of giggling “I like to lick her feet” all creepy like and she stared at me while licking her sister’s toes.

I was very disturbed by this and can’t seem to get in out of my head.

Also I find it really creepy when litte kids touch themselves. i know they don’t know what they’re doing but uuuuuggghhhh coooommmmme oooonnnnn I just can’t pretend it’s not happening. I view them as little versions of molesters- I don’t think I’m cut out for this shit. Lets put the fiddling with yourselves off until you are at least in middle school kids!

10th August 2009

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I'M BACK

Is it poor blog etiquette to post nothing for a month then want to post like 10 different blogs in a night? Probs. I haven’t been blogging for reasons I am unsure of- it’s either I am depressed and uninspired or I’m so busy because I’m finally feeling at peace here and am too busy to sit and focus because I actually have a social life now. The truth is it’s probably both. I am having a blast here and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else truthfully.I am growing everyday. I think it’s the fact that I’m experiencing all of these great things and it feels like none of it is really happening because I have no one experiencing it with me. I can call my friends and family and tell them everything I’m doing but without them here with me it is almost like I’m numb to it. It’s like that lame saying “if a tree falls and no one hears it…” If I’m enjoying all these moments and no one is here with me to partake, are they really that great?

Don’t get me wrong, nothing excites me more than meeting new people but I think I’ve reached my limit of single serving friends and I’m ready for some of them to stick and become 24/7 buffet friends if you will. The problem is that who I thought I was is not who I am ending up to be. I am learning I am not someone who can handle every personality type, something I used to pride myself on. Instead, I am becoming more and more intolerant of people so friendships are limited. I absolutely do not understand the attitude that derives from an insecure person and it seems that most people I tend to dislike have social problems stemmed from insecurities. this may come in the form of the self righteous “one-upper” who only likes to hear themselves speak and unconsciously degrades you, the boy crazy ones who can’t go out unless they are getting the attention of a guy and will ditch you at any point of the night, people who constantly need to be reassured and babied, oh and the straight up cunts who are just plain rude becasue it’s better than facing the fact that they are miserable.(that was harsh my bad)

I miss my girlfriends whom I would do anything for and who are comfortable with themselves and are genuine. I miss being able to be proud of my friends and have them be proud of me. I miss being able to just sit with each other and just be. I miss cracking up until I cry doing nothing “exciting or new”

It would be nice to do new and exciting things with them just to be able to sit and do nothing but crack up reflecting on what we had just experienced. Now I do my laughing with them via phone calls.

I hope my next post is more pleasant, I did not intend to be this negative eek this is my therapy.